白噪音(White Noise) (英文版)作者:唐·德里罗(Don DeLillo)-第38章

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　no　rest。　Then　one　day　I　was　reading　to　Mr。　Treadwell　from　the　National　Examiner。　An　ad　caught　my　eye。　Never　mind　exactly　what　it　said。　Volunteers　wanted　for　secret　research。　This　is　all　you　have　to　know。〃
　　〃I　thought　it　was　my　former　wives　who　practiced　guile。　Sweet　deceivers。　Tense；　breathy；　high…cheekboned；　bilingual。〃
　　〃I　answered　the　ad　and　was　interviewed　by　a　small　firm　doing　research　in　psychobiology。　Do　you　know　what　that　is？〃
　　〃No。〃
　　〃Do　you　know　how　plex　the　human　brain　is？〃
　　〃I　have　some　idea。〃
　　〃No；　you　don't。　Let's　call　the　pany　Gray　Research；　although　that's　not　the　true　name。　Let's　call　my　contact　Mr。　Gray。　Mr。　Gray　is　a　posite。　I　was　eventually　in　touch　with　three　or　four　or　more　people　at　the　firm。〃
　　〃One　of　those　long　low　pale　brick　buildings　with　electrified　fencing　and　low…profile　shrubbery。〃
　　〃I　never　saw　their　headquarters。　Never　mind　why。　The　point　is　I　took　test　after　test。　Emotional；　psychological；　motor　response；　brain　activity。　Mr。　Gray　said　there　were　three　finalists　and　I　was　one　of　them。〃
　　〃Finalists　for　what？〃
　　〃We　were　to　be　test　subjects　in　the　development　of　a　super　experimental　and　top　secret　drug；　code…name　Dylar；　that　he'd　been　working　on　for　years。　He'd　found　a　Dylar　receptor　in　the　human　brain　and　was　putting　the　finishing　touches　on　the　tablet　itself。　But　he　also　told　me　there　were　dangers　in　running　tests　on　a　human。　I　could　die。　I　could　live　but　my　brain　could　die。　The　left　side　of　my　brain　cquld　die　but　the　right　side　could　live。　This　would　mean　that　the　left　side　of　my　body　would　live　but　the　right　side　would　die。　There　were　many　grim　specters。　I　could　walk　sideways　but　not　forward。　I　could　not　distinguish　words　from　things；　so　that　if　someone　said　'speeding　bullet；'　I　would　fall　to　the　floor　and　take　cover。　Mr。　Gray　wanted　me　to　know　the　risks。　There　were　releases　and　other　documents　for　me　to　sign。　The　firm　had　lawyers；　priests。〃
　　〃They　let　you　go　ahead；　a　human　test　animal。〃
　　〃No；　they　didn't。　They　said　it　was　way　too　risky—legally；　ethically　and　so　forth。　They　went　to　work　designing　puter　molecules　and　puter　brains。　I　refused　to　accept　this。　I'd　e　so　far；　e　so　close。　I　want　you　to　try　to　understand　what　happened　next。　If　I'm　going　to　tell　you　the　story　at　all；　I　have　to　include　this　aspect　of　it；　this　grubby　little　corner　of　the　human　heart。　You　say　Babette　reveals　and　confides。〃
　　〃This　is　the　point　of　Babette。〃
　　〃Good。　I　will　reveal　and　confide。　Mr。　Gray　and　I　made　a　private　arrangement。　Forget　the　priests；　the　lawyers；　the　psychobiologists。　We　would　conduct　the　experiments　on　our　own。　I　would　be　cured　of　my　condition；　he　would　be　acclaimed　for　a　wonderful　medical　breakthrough。〃
　　〃What's　so　grubby　about　this？〃
　　〃It　involved　an　indiscretion。　This　was　the　only　way　I　could　get　Mr。　Gray　to　let　me　use　the　drug。　It　was　my　last　resort；　my　last　hope。　First　I'd　offered　him　my　mind。　Now　I　offered　my　body。〃
　　I　felt　a　sensation　of　warmth　creeping　up　my　back　and　radiating　outward　across　my　shoulders。　Babette　looked　straight　up。　I　was　propped　on　an　elbow；　facing　her；　studying　her　features。　When　I　spoke　finally　it　was　in　a　reasonable　and　inquiring　voice—the　voice　of　a　man　who　seeks　genuinely　to　understand　some　timeless　human　riddle。
　　〃How　do　you　offer　your　body　to　a　posite　of　three　or　more　people？　This　is　a　pound　person。　He　is　like　a　police　sketch　of　one　person's　eyebrows；　another　person's　nose。　Let's　concentrate　on　the　genitals。　How　many　sets　are　we　talking　about？〃
　　〃Just　one　person's；　Jack。　A　key　person；　the　project　manager。〃
　　〃So　we　are　no　longer　referring　to　the　Mr。　Gray　who　is　a　posite。〃
　　〃He　is　now　one　person。　We　went　to　a　grubby　little　motel　room。　Never　mind　where　or　when。　It　had　the　TV　up　near　the　ceiling。　This　is　all　I　remember。　Grubby；　tacky。　I　was　heartsick。　But　so；　so　desperate。〃
　　〃You　call　this　an　indiscretion；　as　if　we　haven't　had　a　revolution　in　frank　and　bold　language。　Call　it　what　it　was；　describe　it　honestly；　give　it　the　credit　it　deserves。　You　entered　a　motel　room；　excited　by　its　impersonality；　the　functionalism　and　bad　taste　of　the　furnishings。　You　walked　barefoot　on　the　f？re…retardant　carpet。　Mr。　Gray　went　around　opening　doors；　looking　for　a　full…length　mirror。　He　watched　you　undress。　You　lay　on　the　bed；　embracing。　Then　he　entered　you。〃
　　〃Don't　use　that　term。　You　know　how　I　feel　about　that　usage。〃
　　〃He　effected　what　is　called　entry。　In　other　words　he　inserted　himself。　One　minute　he　was　fully　dressed；　putting　the　car　rental　keys　on　the　dresser。　The　next　minute　he　was　inside　you。〃
　　〃No　one　was　inside　anyone。　That　is　stupid　usage。　I　did　what　I　had　to　do。　I　was　remote。　I　was　operating　outside　myself。　It　was　a　capitalist　transaction。　You　cherish　the　wife　who　tells　you　everything。　1　am　doing　my　best　to　be　that　person。
　　〃All　right；　I'm　only　trying　to　understand。　How　many　times　did　you　go　to　this　motel？〃
　　〃More　or　less　on　a　continuing　basis　for　some　months。　That　was　the　agreement。〃
　　I　felt　heat　rising　along　the　back　of　my　neck。　I　watched　her　carefully。　A　sadness　showed　in　her　eyes。　I　lay　back　and　looked　at　the　ceiling。　The　radio　came　on。　She　began　to　cry　softly。
　　〃There's　some　Jell…O　with　banana　slices；〃　I　said。　〃Steffie　made　it。〃
　　〃She's　a　good　girl。〃
　　〃I　can　easily　get　you　some。〃
　　〃No；　thank　you。〃
　　〃Why　did　the　radio　e　on？〃
　　〃The　auto…timer　is　broken。　I'll　take　it　to　the　shop　tomorrow。〃
　　〃I'll　take　it。〃
　　〃it's　all　right；〃　she　said。　〃It's　no　trouble。　I　can　easily　take　it。〃
　　〃Did　you　enjoy　having　sex　with　him？〃
　　〃I　only　remember　the　TV　up　near　the　ceiling；　aimed　down　at　us。〃
　　〃Did　he　have　a　sense　of　humor？　I　know　women　appreciate　men　who　can　joke　about　sex。　I　can't；　unfortunately；　and　after　this　I　don't　think　there's　much　chance　I'll　be　able　to　learn。〃
　　〃It's　better　if　you　know　him　as　Mr。　Gray。　That's　all。　He's　not　tall；　short；　young　or　old。　He　doesn't　laugh　or　cry。　It's　for　your　own　good。〃
　　〃I　have　a　question。　Why　didn't　Gray　Research　run　tests　on　animals？　Animals　must　be　better　than　puters　in　some　respects。〃
　　'That's　just　the　point。　No　animal　has　this　condition。　This　is　a　human　condition。　Animals　fear　many　things；　Mr。　Gray　said。　But　their　brains　aren't　sophisticated　enough　to　acmodate　this　particular　state　of　mind。〃
　　For　the　first　time　I　began　to　get　an　inkling　of　what　she'd　been　talking　about　all　along。　My　body　went　cold。　I　felt　hollow　inside。　I　rose　from　my　supine　position；　once　again　propping　myself　on　an　elbow　to　look　down　at　her。　She　started　to　cry　again。
　　〃You　have　to　tell　me；　Babette。　You've　taken　me　this　far；　put　me　through　this　much。　I　have　to　know。　What's　the　condition？〃
　　The　longer　she　wept；　the　more　certain　I　became　that　I　knew　what　she　was　going　to　say。　I　felt　an　impulse　to　get　dressed　and　leave；　take　a　room　somewhere　until　this　whole　thing　blew　over。　Babette　raised　her　face　to　me；　sorrowing　and　pale；　her　eyes　showing　a　helpless　desolation。　We　faced　each　other；　propped　on　elbows；　like　a　sculpture　of　lounging　philosophers　in　a　classical　academy。　The　radio　turned　itself　off。
　　〃I'm　afraid　to　die；〃　she　said。　〃I　think　about　it　all　the　time。　It　won't　go　away。〃
　　〃Don't　tell　me　this。　This　is　terrible。〃
　　〃I　can't　help　it。　How　can　I　help　it？〃
　　〃I　don't　want　to　know。　Save　it　for　our　old　age。　You're　still　young；　you　get　plenty　of　exercise。　This　is　not　a　reasonable　fear。〃
　　〃It　haunts　me；　Jack。　I　can't　get　it　off　my　mind。　I　know　I'm　not　supposed　to　experience　such　a　fear　so　consciously　and　so　steadily。　What　can　I　do？　It's　just　there。　That's　why　I　was　so　quick　to　notice　Mr。　Gray's　ad　in　the　tabloid　I　was　reading　aloud。　The　headline　hit　home。　FEAR　OF　DEATH；　it　said。　I　think　about　it　all　the　time。　You're　disappointed。　I　can　tell。〃
　　〃Disappointed？〃
　　〃You　thought　the　condition　would　be　more　specific。　I　wish　it　was。　But　a　person　doesn't　search　for　months　and　months　to　corner　the　solution　to　some　daily　little　ailment。〃
　　I　tried　to　talk　her　out　of　it。
　　〃How　can　you　be　sure　it　is　death　you　fear？　Death　is　so　vague。　No　one　knows　what　it　is；　what　it　feels　like　or　looks　like。　Maybe　you　just　have　a　personal　problem　that　surfaces　in　the　form　of　a　great　universal　subject。〃
　　〃What　problem？〃
　　〃Something　you're　hiding　from　yourself。　Your　weight　maybe。〃
　　〃I've　lost　weight。　What　about　my　height？〃
　　〃I　know　you've　lost　weight。　That's　just　my　point。　You　practically　ooze　good　health。　You　reek　of　it。　Hookstratten　confirms　this；　your　own　doctor。　There　must　be　something　else；　an　underlying　problem。〃
　　〃What　could　be　more　underlying　than　death？〃
　　I　tried　to　persuade　her　it　was　not　as　serious　as　she　thought。
　　〃Baba；　everyone　fears　death。　Why　should　you　be　different？　You　yourself　said　earlier　it　is　a　human　condition。　There's　no　one　who　has　lived　past　the　age　of　seven　who　hasn't　worried　about　dying。〃
　　〃At　some　level　everyone　fears　death。　I　fear　it　right　up　front。　I　don't　know　how　or　why　it　happened。　But　I　can't　be　the　only　one　or　why　would　Gray　Research　spend　millions　on　a　pill？〃
　　〃That's　what　I　said。　You're　not　the　only　one。　There　are　hundreds　of　thousands　of　people。　Isn't　it　reassuring　to　know　that？　You're　like　the　woman　on　the　radio　who　got　phone　calls　from　a　missile　bas