the days of my life-第31章

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n　fact　to　a　strict　Roman　Catholic　doubtless　it　was　impertinent。　In　youth　most　of　us　are　intolerant；　and　I　was　no　exception　to　the　rule。　As　we　get　on　in　life　all　such　things　vanish。　Personally　today　I　am　not　prepared　to　quarrel　with　any　religion　worthy　of　the　name；　unless　it　be　that　of　Mahomet　in　certain　of　its　aspects。　I　have　learned　that　they　all　spring　from　the　same　light；　though　the　world　being；　as　it　were；　cut　crystal；　that　light　flows　from　its　facets　in　different…coloured　rays。　Here　is　the　letter：
When　I　got；　yesterday；　your　mysterious…looking　letter　labelled　“Private”　and　with　an　awful　black　seal；　I　wondered　what　dark　secrets　it　was　going　to　unfold。　When　I　had　read　it　I　think　that　I　should　have　been　inclined　to　laugh　if　I　had　not　been　sorry　that　you　should　be　the　victim　of　such　dull　and　stale　delusions　with　regard　to　monks　and　the　motives　that　induce　a　man　to　bee　one。　You　have　used　hard　words；　and　you　will　let　me　add　that　I　think　it　unworthy　of　a　man　of　your　mental　quality　to　live　year　after　year　confronted　by　the　Catholic　Church　（pulchritudo　tam　antiqua　et　tam　nova）　and　be　content　to　derive　all　your　knowledge　of　it　from　some　vulgar　Protestant　pamphlet；　and　all　your　ideas　of　its　institutions　and　ways　from　what　I　suppose　you　were　told　in　the　nursery。　You　go　to　the　originals　to　discover　what　Hegel　or　te　really　teach；　and　you　are　eager　enough　to　find　out　all　about　Darwinism；　etc。；　but　as　for　Catholics；　you　not　only　don’t　inquire　from　them　what　they　really　teach　but　you　assume　to　lecture　them。　Having　relieved　my　mind　so　far；　I　can　assure　you　your　letter　was　far　from　giving　me　offence；　on　the　contrary；　I　know　very　well　you　are　not　singular　in　your　views；　and　that　many　who　call　themselves　my　friends　think　the　same；　but　you　are　the　only　one　who　has　taken　sufficient　interest　in　the　matter　to　tell　me　so；　and　therefore　I　thank　you。　I　don’t　intend　to　defend　the　monastic　state。　It　has　existed　since　the　beginning　of　the　fourth　century；　has　been　continually　attacked；　and　yet　it　has　flourished；　all　Catholics　look　and　have　looked　on　it　as　a　higher　and　more　perfect　state；　and　therefore　I　will　assume　it；　it　has　been　often　and　eloquently　defended；　and　moreover　it　could　not　be　done　in　a　letter。　However；　the　fact　that　it　is　good　in　itself　is　not　at　all　a　conclusive　reason　why　I　should　embrace　it；　and　if　you　had　tried　to　dissuade　me　from　it　on　the　score　that　I　had　made　myself　unfit　and　unworthy　for　it　I　should　have　had　very　little　to　answer。　I　did　not　e　here　in　consequence　of　any　trouble　of　the　kind　you　allude　to；　nor　any　other；　nor　in　a　fit　of　disgust。　When　I　said　I　was　afraid　if　I　left　of　dropping　into　my　old　ways；　I　meant　the　idle；　aimless；　useless　life　I　led　when　you　knew　me　and　some　time　after：　my　only　object　was　pleasure　and　happiness；　and　I　was　unscrupulous　in　trying　to　get　them。　However；　about　six　months　previous　to　ing　here　I　had　made　a　great　change　and　lived　more　or　less　as　a　Catholic　should：　I　had　got　out　of　Chancery　and　paid　my　debts　and　begun　reading　for　the　Bar　in　a　Conveyancer’s　rooms；　and　it　was　under　these　circumstances　that　I　came　here；　and　it　is　what　I　shall　resume　if　I　leave。　I　prefer　London　and　Paris　to　Africa　how　fair　soever　be　its　skies；　and　the　Park　to　the　Sahara。　You　see　my　prospects　in　the　world　are　not　so　darkened　as　you　think；　nevertheless　they　do　not　wear　a　very　fascinating　smile　to　my　eyes。　For；　take　everything　at　its　best　and　assume　that　I　should　succeed　in　everything：　after　many　years’　drudging　I　should　be　a　successful　barrister；　and　perhaps　end　by　being　a　judge　if　I　was　very　lucky。　What　good　should　I　have　done　my　fellow…men　by　that？　Don’t　you　know　that　when　a　man　in　practice　dies；　a　hundred　rejoice；　thinking　that　they　will　get　some　of　his　work；　for　one　who　is　sorry？　Do　you　feel　grateful　to　a　lawyer　worn　out　with　briefs；　as　if　he　were　a　public　benefactor　in　consenting　to　work　in　the　world　instead　of　retiring　to　some　rural　or　suburban　retreat？　Judging　by　the　ordinary　run　of　man；　in　fifty　years　I　should　be　a　crabbed　bachelor；　or　still　worse　a　tormented　and　disappointed　married　man　—　not　much　better　than　your　“soured　monk。”　Besides；　I　believe　in　the　immortality　of　the　soul；　and　in　fact　it　was　the　great　“hereafter”　which　weighed　on　my　mind　and　prevented　my　being　content　with　prospects　which　sound　well　enough　to　most　people。　And　if　I　made　myself　my　own　and　only　centre　in　this　life；　why　should　I　at　the　hour　of　death　suddenly　change　and　love　my　Creator；　and　if　I　did　not　what　chance　should　I　have　of　enjoying　Him？　You　will　say　that　it　is　possible　to　love　God　in　the　world；　and　so　it　is：　the　thing　I　am　trying　to　decide　is　where　it　will　be　easiest　for　me　to　do　so。　It　may　be　more　heroic　to　remain　and　fight　your　battles　bravely；　but　permit　me；　where　the　consequences　of　defeat　are　so　hideous；　who　really　am　in　such　matters　nothing　but　a　coward；　who　have　been　so　often　overe；　at　least　to　think　of　flight。
I　repeat　I　have　decided　nothing；　the　Church　insists　upon　people　being　tried　for　two　years　at　least　before　taking　simple　vows　（i。e。　that　can　be　dissolved　by　the　superiors　if　they　find　you　unfit）；　and　five　years　before　taking　solemn　vows；　which　can　only　be　dissolved　by　the　Pope。　pare　this　caution　with　the　approved　facility　with　which　a　man　may　bind　himself　for　long　periods　as　a　soldier　or　for　life　in　marriage！　I　may　eventually　regret　it；　but　what　may　not　be　regretted；　and　how　many　things　have　most　men　done　which　they　do　regret！　Surely　you　should　not　omit　to　do　a　good　thing　because　you　may　regret　it。　I　might　say　a　good　deal　more；　but　have　no　time。　I　once　more　thank　you　for　writing　as　you　did；　with　your　old　warmth　and　not　without　your　old　eloquence。　Finally；　if　you　like　to　e　here；　if　you　have　the　time；　the　inclination；　and　the　opportunity；　I　am　sure　the　Abbot　would　be　very　glad　to　acmodate　you　for　any　time　under　three　months　（that　is　the　rule）　in　the　guest…house。　I　warn　you　however　that　the　fare　is　very　frugal；　and　twenty…four　hours　might　exhaust　your　patience。
Very　sincerely　yours；
J。　Sheil。
It　seems　to　me　that；　in　the　above　letter；　dear　Sheil　goes　far　towards　justifying　the　attack　that　I　had　evidently　made　upon　his　position。　“Permit　me　。　。　。　at　least　to　think　of　flight。”　He　admits　that　he　had　run　away　from　the　world　and　its　temptations　because　of　“the　hideous　consequences　of　defeat；”　i。e。　the　loss　of　his　soul。　His　idea　was　that　by　shutting　himself　up　in　an　iron　box　he　would　avoid　sin　and　its　“hideous　consequences。”　But　I　wonder　now；　as　I　wondered　then；　whether；　supposing　the　capitulation　to　the　natural　impulses　of　the　body　to　be　cardinal　sin；　such　sin　is　really　avoided　by　the　method　of　the　iron　box？　True；　they　cannot　be　gratified；　for；　if　you　wish　to　drink；　there　is　no　whisky；　if　you　wish　to　make　love；　there　is　no　woman；　and　so　forth。　Yet　in　that　case　does　not　the　wish　assume　the　proportions　of　the　acplished　deed？　A　noted　passage　in　the　New　Testament　seems　to　suggest　that　this　may　be　so；　also　incidents　in　the　lives　of　the　saints　occur　to　me；　though　we　are　told　only　of　those　in　which　they　triumphed。　Of　course　if；　by　the　aid　of　terrible　abstinence　or　of　prayer；　every　human　desire　and　frailty　can　be　banished　and　the　mind　can　bee；　so　to　speak；　sterilised　of　all　harmful　thoughts；　then　a　condition　of　absolute　though　negative　virtue　will　be　attained。　Whether　the　virtue　thus　gained　—　if　it　be　possible　to　gain　it　while　even　sleep　and　its　dreams　remain　—　is　of　a　truer　and　higher　quality　than　that　proportion　of　goodness　which　can　be　won；　that　more　soiled　garment　which　must　be　worn　by　him　who　remains　in　the　world　and　bears　the　heat　and　burden　of　its　day；　often　falling；　but　struggling　to　his　feet　again；　sinning；　and　lamenting　his　sins；　striving　to　do　better；　yet　frequently　in　vain；　living　the　full　life；　bringing　others　into　that　life　and；　to　the　best　of　his　ability；　bearing　their　burdens；　doing　here　a　good　and　there；　perhaps；　a　harm；　and　at　length；　filled　with　experience；　departing　penitent　and　mercy…seeking　to　whatever　future　career　may　await　him　—　is　not　for　me　to　say。　Probably　the　question　must　be　answered　in　accordance　with　the　temperament　and　gifts　of　the　questioner。　For　me　it　is　too　hard。　However；　it　is　more　or　less　dealt　with　on　one　side　of　some　of　Sheil’s　remaining　epistles。
The　next　of　these　is　dated　nearly　a　year　later　than　that　which　I　have　quoted：
Mount　St。　Bernard’s　Abbey；　August　3；　1880。
I　thank　you　for　thinking　of　writing　to　tell　me　of　your　marrying；　you　were　right　in　thinking　it　would　interest　me。　If　joy　and　prosperity　came　by　my　wishing　you　would　certainly　have　your　fill　in　all　your　life　to　e。　I　am　glad　you　are　marrying；　as　I　think　it　much　better　for　a　man　than　knocking　about　by　himself。　I　suppose　you　had　some　photos　struck　on　this　auspicious　occasion；　if　so；　may　I　suggest　that　the　one　I　have　of　you　was　youthful　when　you　gave　it；　I　think　six　years　ago；　and　that　I　should　very　much　like　to　have　another；　and；　if　it　is　not　asking　too　much；　one　of　Miss　Margitson　（I　hope　that　is　rightly　spelt；　but　your　writing　is　more　shocking　than　ever）？　I　am　not　surprised　at　your　anxiety　to　get　back　to　South　Africa　and　your　weariness　of　England；　I　suppose　our　brightest　sky　is　only　a　fog　to　you。
As　for　myself；　I　took　the　simple　vows　a　short　time　since；　of　course　I　cannot　consider　myself　absolutely　fixed　till　the　solemn　vows；　but